How Would You Like to be Known and Remembered?
Always here with the cheery topics, me!
However, there is important stuff we don’t talk about, and it’s time to open up some conversations.
There have been a couple of times in life where I’ve been put on the spot regarding my in-depth knowledge about my parents - organising my dad’s funeral, and providing information for my mum’s care home.
I am going to suggest that as well as wills and living wills, we all add another document alongside, on how we’d like to be known and remembered.
There are a ton of practical things around someone going into a care home, and a good care home will ask for background information about the new resident. Of course, a lot of the time, this is a form for the resident to complete themselves, but, when someone has dementia, and particularly advanced dementia, it will fall to someone else to complete it.
And, so it was, that myself and my stepdad found ourselves looking at a form that we simply did not have all the info to complete.
I’d say I knew my mum pretty well. But, what school she went to? No? In fact, I didn’t know very much about her childhood at all!
In a large family, with loads of other people to talk to, you may have more of a chance. But in a small family, when there are a couple of you pondering, how much do you really know?
My mum, back in the day
It made me really sad that I could answer so much about my mum, her likes, dislikes, favourite music etc. But my knowledge of her life before she had children? Sketchy.
And the same had been true when I spoke to the celebrant about my dad’s life.
In both of these instances, the information I’ve given has been centred around my knowledge. It’s my version of their lives. Which made me think - if I was to go into a care home, wouldn’t I want to be the one providing the view on my own life? Rather than someone else’s perspective? And, more importantly, would I want my husband feeling sad that he didn’t know these things about me, and to feel unable to fill in a form, or give any kind of account of my childhood?
And also my dad - apparently having a photographer follow you around on holiday was a thing?
If you’ve made, or are making a will, therefore, maybe add alongside it a short document that covers how you would like to be known and remembered. Give a (brief!) overview of your childhood, school, childhood friends and even job history, as well as maybe stating some things that are important to you. Everyone knows I love dogs,shoes and watches. But they probably don’t know my favourite books to read, the magazines I might be interested in, what sort of pictures I’d like on a wall.
Fill in some facts, some fun stuff and the things you feel give a good reflection of yourself that might be a bit lesser known. (As a couple, I think this would be an interesting thing to do together. You might surprise each other with what’s important to you, and learn something new, at any age!).
One thing here - I know the urge is strong to do everything digitally - this really needs to be very easy to come across, and that’s why I’m suggesting writing it down. At the very least, if you do create it digitally, make sure you print it out and put it with other important documents (you could include some actual, printed photos with that, too).
Much love,
Anna
xx
